Parents: The Mama and Paper Bear Instinct

This year has been extremely challenging for me in a new way. Over my 8 year career, I have taught third grade for 6 of those years. I have seen multiple instructional programs and approaches come and go, and with these changes lots of new learning occurred for myself. However, this year, just when I thought I had a year free of learning, I got hit with a new challenge: Parents.

See, for five of my 8 years I taught in a Title-One school that had little to no parental involvement. My current school flirts with the cut-off line for being labeled Title-One, but in my opinion it is on the opposite side of the spectrum in terms of student background and struggles. I chose this school after 5 years experience to affect a different type of child with other types of needs. I no longer teach content with a focus on manners and survival skills, rather I solely teach content. My students come from stable families, and even if parents are no longer married they co-parent as united adults.

However, with the increase in parental involvement at my current school it required me to navigate unfamiliar waters. The first two years at my school went great and my adjustment to an increase in parent presence in the classroom was successful. Parents lived in my classroom and we became a family.

This year arrived and so did a challenge- a pretty BIG challenge.

I was blessed with a small class size with the potential to grow to average capacity within the first month. I built my room so that it was cozy for the first 18 students on my roster, and added additional seating as students joined our class. As they would arrive, they met new friends and added on to our close-knit family. One day, my principal approached me about taking a third grade student from another class and switching them into my classroom. Of course, I had no issues with this and embraced the student upon arrival. This particular student did not have a positive experience in the other classroom due to some poor choices he decided to make. The parent felt the teacher had much to do with this negative experience and wanted him to relocate to another classroom (I can without a doubt now say that the teacher had NOTHING to do with his behavior choices). The first two months of this child joining our classroom were treacherous. The student was not interested in joining our family, making friends, following classroom protocols, or participating in the learning process in any capacity. This saddened me not only for the boy’s potential success and happiness, but it threw off our whole feng shui! (Isn’t it funny how one personality can alter a room?)

His mother loved him dearly, like a Mama Bear who loves her cub. She confessed over and over how smart he was and that he never told a lie. He was her middle and most mature child out of 5. I didn’t doubt that he was smart; he just did not want to put any effort into his schooling. This made me job impossible. My personality and communication style is “doors wide open,” so when I would provide a daily report of his choices and the ramifications of these choices, the mother would become very angry like a Mama Bear protecting her cub. We met with our school’s dean and principal on numerous occasions to talk things out, create a plan moving forward, and have the child set academic goals for himself. No one was on the same page- no one.

Many days I was frustrated with him, myself, parents, the school system, and anywhere else that I could point a finger. I couldn’t reach this child. I couldn’t make him care. I couldn’t get the mom to see from my point of view. “I am not a parent, so maybe I just don’t understand,” I would tell myself most days. I felt like she listened, but was defensive and in denial. She became so uncooperative that I stopped giving a daily report and just “sucked it up.” This of course, did not make anything better.

Luckily, another child in the class was very close with this family. The two mothers talked daily. The other mother raved about my class, my teaching style, and her child’s growth and success under my wing. (This was a parent in my corner- yesss!!) Little did I know that I had an ally that would help turn this whole situation around. After hearing positive comment after positive comment, in terms of parent and student opinion of myself as a teacher and the overall experience in my classroom, the defensive parent began to try to look at the situation differently.

Also, at this time, the boy began to try. I rewarded him for his efforts. He got a taste of appropriate and positive teacher attention and he enjoyed the support. He began coming to class on time. He turned in all of his assignments on time. He encouraged his mother to sign test papers, agendas, and field trip forms. IT WAS A WHOLE NEW CHILD. Why the change?

I may never know. I did not change the way I taught. I did not change the way I reached out to him. Something IN him changed. He stopped allowing his past to dictate his future. He saw me as a chance to start fresh and began to spend time with me 1:1 talking about his father serving our country, his hopes for particular Christmas presents, and exciting after-school plans. I began to laugh with him, hug him, and praise his efforts. We began to change the way we related to one another.

I realized that many times people react to a situation due to a past emotion or experience. Their finger might be pointing at you, but it has nothing to do with you. Boy, did this take a long time for me to understand. My tears stopped. My frustration died down. I began to see that situation differently, just like the mom had. He might not have been acting perfectly, but he was not a bad child. My reports felt like accusations to her and her son was becoming more and more unmotivated. (Mama Bear‘s claws began to come out!)

Life is great when it is easy, and so is teaching. But, it became difficult when I became stressed, depressed, anxious, and ready to move towards greener pastures. That is, until today…

(That’s all you need sometimes isn’t it? A golden nugget as a reward for persevering after something for so long. It keeps you in the game just a little bit longer. Well, I received my golden nugget today.)

She stopped by my room earlier today to see if I had time to talk after school. Of course, I had been wanting to speak with her since she failed to attend two parent conferences. We met and I shared his current grades, goals for improvement, and praised his growth so far. She was very happy and made mention on numerous accounts of his positive change in attitude. She even said, “I hope you know this was never personal. I just wanted what was best for him. I knew his was reacting because of his last classroom situation and I knew he was not guilty all of the time. He is my smartest one. I know with him that he does right. It was never anything against you.”

That is all I ever needed to hear. It might have been more helpful to hear it in the beginning, but it meant more now than if I heard it any earlier. Like a Mama Bear, she went to any length to get her child what he needed, wanted, and deserved. We stopped talking academics and began talking personal. We swapped stories of where we both were from, the student’s girl crushes in the class, family holiday plans, and the excitement of dad returning home from active duty. At the end of the conversation she said with a smile, “if you ever want to drop by, you can.” The youngest daughter even offered for me to stay for dinner.

WOW.

The transformations within my student, his mother, and I are noteworthy. Preconceived notions and miscommunication created this scenario. I am not proud that it took 3 months for things to turn around, but I am so thankful for this lesson. I know it will always stay in the forefront of my mind when situations arise with future students. It will help me continue to navigate these unfamiliar waters of Mama and Papa Bears, and allow me to take a step back so that I don’t take things personal. It’s not always about me, and that’s the truth.

What has been a breakthrough in your teaching career and/or life?