Children that Grow Up to be Children
I stumbled upon a passionate blog entry from a loving mother [see post here]. I immediately connected to her message- love your child just enough that they feel cherished but not too much that you disable them as individuals.
As a teacher, my philosophy has been and always will be to help a child become independent so that they can take charge of their life without excuses. I am passionate about children standing up for themselves and relying on their own skill sets to solve problems. I am a firm believer that if adults live their child’s lives for them then the children will never grow up. The children will wait around for mommy or daddy to rescue them in every circumstance. I will not be a teacher that handicaps my students by doing it for them.
I will teach you. I will help you. I will guide you. But I will not do it for you.
Third graders enter my classroom doors as babies. They have had their hand-held by their previous teacher and of course their parents. I am okay with that. Young children need adults to do particular tasks for them because they are not yet capable (tying shoes, picking out clothing, packing a lunch, etc). However, by 8 years old children are ready to transition into independence of smaller tasks, such as those aforementioned. I smile at my students and remind them that they can do the following tasks themselves:
- retrieve a Kleenex without asking for permission
- utilize the restroom without a buddy
- place unused materials back in their original placement without a reminder
- complete homework independently because it is a review of the daily topic(s) taught in class
- communicate their personal needs as I am not a mind reader
- foster friendships without a mediator
- listen and pay attention for longer than a 10 min span
- give life a shot before complaining
- use a “guess and check” method prior to asking for help
But most of all, THINK. Your brain worked in the womb. Your brain worked upon your arrival. Your brain worked from your first day in preschool up until this very day. Sure, I have the answer. Sure, mom and dad have the answer. But so do you too. Take a moment, and think.
My biggest advice during Parent-Teacher Conferences is for parents to step back. I remember a conversation with a parent whom I still adore to this very day and see on a regular basis. I was explaining my philosophy of high expectations and why I push students to levels their parents are uncomfortable with (as seen in a comment a current parent made, “Ms. Schultek thinks her kids are in college!”), and she turned to me and said “this is going to be hard for me. She is my oldest. I want to do things for her because I love her. I know she can do them, but as a mom I enjoy doing them for her.”
And there it is.
Yes, LOVE your children in every way you can daily. Children succeed best when they are loved. I love your child too! But, love from a distance. Allow them to grow. When you step in and act for them, you cut off their branches. You are trimming away their potential. Let them try. Let them struggle. Let them learn. They will figure it out and they will be better off for it.
Think about all the lessons you have learned so far in life. The lessons that stick out the most to you are probably the ones where you felt the most alone or helpless. But, because of your struggle you learned that you can conquer anything that comes across your path, and you now have tools in your belt that you would not have had if you didn’t have to try strategies A-Y before finding the successful strategy Z!
Your child is just like you. They need to figure it out for themselves. Stand next to them and encourage them. That is love. Prompt them with advice if needed. But do not say “here are the answers to life and this is what you should do” because they will not grow up. You will deal with an adult who has child-like abilities and that is a handicap no individual should acquire.
So, what I ask of my fellow teachers is to continue pushing your students to the next level. They can handle it. They love and enjoy it. You will be astonished with what they can accomplish if you just ask it of them. Parents, I ask you to continue loving your child, but in a new way. A way that allows them the freedom and flexibility to explore life. Take a step back and have patience as they wobble and often fall. They are going to get back up and look to you for encouragement so that they can continue to take steps forward. Be there for them, but in a new way. Don’t swing the bat for them. Stand next to the plate, shout advice and praise, and watch your child hit the game winning run.
In order for a child to step up, we must step back.
What have you struggled to stop doing for your children/students?
About the author, Gretchen
I am a teacher trainer and coach. Working elbow to elbow with teachers and teacher leaders to ensure instructional proficiency and student achievement soar lights me up. We have a real need in our nation for strong educators to remain in the field. My blog, book, podcast, courses and instructional materials are geared towards empowering teachers (and those that lead them) to receive the support needed to grow and thrive today, tomorrow and always.
I remember having a very similar conversation with you when Maya was in your class and I’m glad you pushed….all of us. I learned how to step back and she learned how to fly. It was such a blessing to experience that growth with a teacher who understood how scary that can be for a parent and how impowering it can be for a child.
Thanks so much for your comment Catherine! Yes, I figured you would remember the convo! I appreciate your willingness to take the risk. She’s doing so well and I couldn’t be happier for y’all!
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